Forgiveness is a concept which is often misunderstood. Some people think that it means forgetting whatever bad things happened to you. However, it allows you to become an empowered person by turning the corner from a mere victim. It is one of the hardest things to do but it is one of the best self-help actions you can take. It heals you and makes you feel lighter, happier and healthier. But when it comes to forgiving your ex-spouse, you know you should but you can’t. That person ripped your family apart and you are not able to move beyond the feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness after your divorce. Do not forgive that person just because you need to. Do it for your own good. It becomes quite necessary if you have kids. You need to do it for them and to give them a better future. You need to make sure that you are in a position to talk to him from a place of peace and acceptance for your own peace of mind. You need to accept that the relationship is over and it did for a reason and you both are where you are meant to be.
Here, we are listing 6 steps to forgiving your ex-spouse which will, definitely, be a lot of help for you if you too are going through this problem.
6 Steps to Forgiving Your Ex-Spouse
1. Let go of the past – Forgiveness is not an action but rather more of a perspective and a practice. It is a way of healing yourself and moving forward in life by letting go of the emotional baggage that you have been carrying. Give the kind of future you, your kids and perhaps your new partner deserve which is unhampered by hurt and recycled anger. You need to choose a life where you are not dominated by anyone. It has been considered as a critical aspect of divorce recovery by many therapists. If you do not let the baggage go, you will always face problems in all your old and new relationships. In order to make your present and future better than your past, you need to let all of your past go. Let the past remain in the past. Let it go and make a fresh start for you.
2. Forgiveness is for you and not for your ex-spouse – Forgiving your ex-spouse will not do any good to him but it will definitely heal your heart and soothe your hurt feelings. Just focus on yourself. There is a very simple way of releasing your past. Write a letter to that person. Speak your heart out in it and write down all the things you wanted him to know. You do not need to mail the letter. Just writing the letter will give you peace. It will bring clarity and insight. It will help you in releasing your anger and getting rid of the bitter feelings. It has been proven that when you cannot release your anger, writing down your feelings on a piece of paper helps a lot in calming you down. Try out this technique. You can write things like: “I am releasing you from the pain that you caused me and now we both are free”.
3. Accept your feelings and allow yourself to feel hurt for a short period of time – Give yourself some time. Allow yourself to feel all the things. Feel all your feelings whether it is anger, sadness, bitterness or fear. We often ignore our feelings and pretend to be normal and strong in front of the world. We ignore them because they are really painful to face. But what you need to know is that sometimes grief can be an extremely beautiful feeling. Accepting your feelings will help you release them. Unless and until you allow yourself to feel all the emotions, you will never be able to forgive your ex-spouse.
Recommended for you:
Things never to do after a divorce
4. Focus on better things which are in your control – You know that you cannot change the past but you can always take a fresh start and work towards making your future better. Let go of your past and think about your future. Learn to take better decisions for yourself. Build yourself. Take out time for yourself. Give yourself a second chance and also give love a second chance. It will help you in forgiving the person who has hurt you in past.
5. Try to be more understanding – It is not an easy thing but sure it is worth a try. Place yourself in their shoes. Watch the situation from their perspective. Maybe they had their own reasons. You will find them far less guilty than what you thought them to be. You see a realistic version of your ex-spouse. You can develop empathy towards them and this will help you in making your mood better.
6. Try to be a forgiving person – Stop holding a grudge against them. Being stuck in the past will not be beneficial for you. It will prevent you from moving forward in life. Free yourself from playing the role of a victim. Always remember that you are imperfect too and you are forgiving them for your own good. You do not need to tell them that you had forgiven them.
Hence, we have concluded some steps which will help you in forgiving your ex-spouse. Do not expect that reading a single blog post will provide you instant emotional freedom. Understand that it is a process, a long one indeed. It is a daily fight but it will get easier with time. Forgiving that person is just a single step in the journey. Do it anyway whether you want to or not. You will feel happier and more contented. You will have other things to look forward to. You will be able to break the cycle of pain and also give up on the feeling that your ex should go through the same hardships as you did. Do not be vulnerable. Craft a new story for yourself and then you will be able to take the control of your life. Make your life the way you want it to be.