Grey divorce is not rare these days, but a demographic trend. According to the recent survey conducted by onlinedivorce.com in the state of New York, the divorce rate among older people has doubled over the past 30 years, even though general divorce rate within the US has somewhat decreased.
So, grey divorce is quite common now, and the good news that it seems to be a sign of a more active and full life of people over 50, other things being equal. In the middle of the 20th century in a similar situation, the spouses would stay together, preferring to endure an unhappy marriage, since the divorce seemed reprehensible, the procedure of divorce and property division was too complicated and expensive, and life seemed to revolve only around the family. Yet now, the perception of age and further life prospects is much more positive among the majority of respondents.
Nowadays, a lot of people experience their second youth in their 60’s.
They more than anyone else understand the value of the present moment, and since tolerance to divorce has risen across society, they no longer want to lose a minute of their lives in unhappy relationships.
Image Credit: kiplinger.com
Another survey claims that access to new technologies plays a huge role in the so-called “silver splitters.” Keeping in touch, making new contacts and learning something new about the world has never been so easy, so loneliness, isolation, and empty life no longer scare the divorced people. 60-year-old Americans actively make use of social networks and other opportunities. The statistics show that about 80% of senior and nearly senior divorcees go out on dates and the number of marriages among people in their 60’s increased by 25% compared with 2010.
“Roadmap” Of A Grey Divorce
We hope these facts help you to see the bright side of the situation and make sure you are not alone.
However, what should you do right now? How to cope with stress, and start enjoying life again sincerely, without forcing yourself to smile and pretend you’re fine?
According to the studies, and experience shared by many divorced people over 60, we can imagine a kind of a roadmap for “grey divorce,” which consists of three main stages.
First, you need to survive… Then – recover. And finally comes prosperity.
Experience
This first part of the “journey” is painful and lonely; it upsets. No matter how bad the marriage was and even how badly you wanted a divorce, this is still a considerable loss. For many people, divorce after a lengthy marriage is associated with the collapse of the dreams and plans. You thought that after you built a career, raised children together, survived a midlife crisis and much more, you have every right to assume that your marriage has passed all possible obstacles, and now life finally becomes at least a little more understandable or even predictable in a nice way.
You might have already forgotten that feeling which made you worry for long years – the feeling that you do not actually know what you want from the future, as well as you don’t know what awaits you, where you will be tomorrow. It may seem that you just have already got that all, and you can relax. And at that moment life always surprises with a new challenge. No matter how old are you.
So, pain is a normal reaction to the loss of both your spouse and your habitual way of life in which a lot of energy was invested. You need to experience it by feeling the grief, and it will help to let go of the old relationship and live on. Besides, it is essential to think about your children’s feelings. Although children are already adults, do not assume that it is easier for them than if they were younger. So use your life experience and wisdom and try to maintain a friendly relationship with your ex-spouse.
Do not blame yourself for not being ready for divorce after 60 and after a long marriage. You should not have expected this, although now you have to adapt. Just give yourself some time.
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Recovery
Consider this period as a chance to start a new life and make adjustments that you would like to make.
Start by recognising that your marriage is not a failure, despite it ended. There were good things and events as well, and both the relationship and the breakup helped you learn more about yourself. Adapting the old saying – The divorce did not kill you but made you stronger.
It might be hard but practice forgiveness. If the former spouse has offended you, remember that it will be much better if you forgive. It will be in your interest since the ex-spouse is not obliged to take care of your feelings – but you must. Time is so swift, but your time is so precious, so you should not waste it on something you cannot affect.
Perhaps the most crucial step in the whole process of surviving divorce after 60 takes place at the recovery stage. This step is to learn to live with yourself, to be true to yourself, to recall who you are beyond the marriage and family.
In other words, you have a chance to remain the same as you were before and keep grieving or explore yourself to become what you want to be now.
Prosperity
This stage means that you enjoy being a person who you rediscovered during the recovery stage, you let go of bad emotions, sad feelings and regrets.
You will be self-sufficient and confident that you can be happy without a partner. True, it is at such a moment that someone usually comes along. Being single after divorce at your 60s is good since at this age people have already realised how to rejoice at communication and welcome every moment, without focusing on questions like “Where this relationship is going?,” and remarriage (although late-life marriages are also quite common, regardless of gender.)
Life experience helps to understand what really matters. There are already children and grandchildren, all family and career ambitions are fulfilled, and a person in his 60’s understands perfectly well the absurdity of the desire to demand something, to re-educate, “remake” a partner for themselves. All of the above prevents a vast number of possible problems and causes for quarrels in a couple. Oh, if we knew about it before!
At the same time, passion and romance in a relationship after 60 can be no less than in youth. If you were faithful in marriage, the first romantic experience after a divorce might seem like the very first one. Perhaps you have already forgotten what the period of courtship is, flirting, the process of drawing closer to a new person. So exciting!
Besides, unlike when you got married for the first time, you will not evaluate potential partners in terms of who they can become. Instead, you are dealing with who they really are, appreciating a person and not his or her future perspectives.
To sum it all up, the main thing you should achieve to move on after divorce in your 60’s and be happy is to accept your age. A lot of personal and intimate psychological problems of the people in their 50’s and more are related to the fact that they try to cling to their youth instead of embracing their age with dignity and elegance. You cannot be happy pretending to be what you are not, and here is the first issue you need to resolve after a divorce.
Consider your age as your power and nothing else. Your children have grown up, and you are not bound by parental obligations anymore. Maybe, you have already retired, so are not tied to a specific employer, job or place of residence. Your life is not over, and you should just find inspiration to dream and try something new. Think about what you always dreamed but never got around to doing or merely hesitated. The time is now.
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